KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! (My Top Five Spiders in Videogames)
I hate spiders.
Recently my girlfriend went into her spare room to find something, as she reached into the wardrobe she noticed something flicker in the corner of her eye, upon closer inspection it was a spider of the type “Horribulus Hugeus Bastardus” who was surrounded by thirty two (We counted) smaller spiders / soldiers.
I suggested she burn the house down and salt the earth so nothing would grow ever again.
I am apparently “Unreasonable”
And before anyone wanders in and says:
“But they get rid of flies”
(Still plenty of flies about, work harder)
“They’re more scared of you than you are of them”
(Really? They come at me pretty fast for something so scared)
(You’re an idiot)
So what does this have to do with Honest Xbox Reviews you ask? Well, spiders have long been a staple of video games. Usually ranking just after rats in the RPG stakes for training purposes and generally unnerving people in horror games with their spindly legs, acidic venom spit and juddering movements.
So here, in this tangled corner of the web (GEDDIT?!) I present to you the 360′s top five spiders so you can avoid them or kill them and gain my Love*.
(*Love is priceless, Love cannot be traded, Love has no cash value).
5. Lego Harry Potter Years 1-4.
Well i’m shitting blocks (ho ho ho). This cheerful fella’s name is “Aragog” I suppose with a name like that you can’t really be a good guy or get a steady job. He is the boss of the level “Follow the Spiders” and is killed by avoiding mini spiders, and throwing medium sized spiders at this giant boss spider (…spider). There is also an achievement for killing many spiders as Ron, however this doesn’t always unlock, forcing some players to play on forever, spiders spinning webs in their empty heads in an effort to control them and use their motionless shambling corpses to take over the world and create a single spider hive out of humanity.
The spiderant, an angry cross between two insects (or arachnids if we’re being fussy). The fear here comes with their desire to charge you and rip you limb from limb as well as spitting acid at you. They also come with various resistances, making your guns all but useless unless you have a good armory of multiple types, and then just when you start becoming strong enough to squash them…
Yep. Pray for mercy from “Daddy Long Legs” (Not his real name).
3. Gears of War.
Sometimes it’s not the strength of an enemy, it’s the sheer number you face. Polyps are a great example of this, Scurrying from pipes or tumbling from the ceiling several of these easy to kill little buggers can take you down in seconds. They are of course nowhere near the big daddys of the Gears franchise however…
Corpsers. From the end of the training level in the first game where you see one rip apart a few vehicles you know these are not to be messed with, killed by shooting it into liquid or causing a cave in that smooshes it (you hope) these armoured behemoths come in several sizes, from “Use Several Clips” to “Run. The Hell. Away”.
There is a fear we all have, of something that will not give up. In limbo you face the spider several times, it chases you across the land, each time being bested by you with clever and cunning traps until eventually it attacks you with it’s one remaining leg. The fear here comes from it’s primal desire to kill you, letting it’s wounds simply fuel it’s anger. The creepy way it parcels you up and leaves you helpless to devour later also makes you understand just how little of a threat it views you as, and even when you have finally crushed it beneath a boulder, every spindly tree branch from then on is treated with caution…
I hate Skyrim’s Frostbite spiders. I hate them for several reasons.
Firstly they are huge spiders that move like spiders, descend on webs like spiders and can poison you like spiders.
Secondly is the fact that they live deep in dark caves surrounded by their webs, you know one is around… But where?
Thirdly they have tiny eggs sacs all over the place like in the alien films and leap for your face.
And finally there was the time when I, late at night, wearing my surround sound turtle beach headphones, having a beer, walking across the fields of skyrim by night, MILES AWAY FROM ANY CAVE… Suddenly had a huge frostbite spider pounce on me from the darkness, screeching and hissing, causing me to scream and fall off my bed, my bottle of beer falling over me.
As I said.
I hate spiders.
(And Just Remember…)